Let's get one thing straight: my desire
to see the fine citzens of Dallas vote "NO" next Saturday is purely
selfish. You see, I am a resident of Arlington, and as such, I want to see
the new arena built in my backyard. But since I haven't been able to find
a buyer for the rusted shell of a '74 Gremlin sitting next to my son's rotting
tire swing, I'll have to settle for them building the arena down the road,
adjacent to The Temple. Again to
avoid any confusion, I'm not talking about the local synagogue, Expo. I
mean The Ballpark in Arlington -- or, as Tom "Don't Call Me Dick"
Hicks is about to sell out and rename it -- The Payton-Wright Ford Ballpark/Bates
Family Home in Arlington. This name change will not only bring bucks, the
deal will also allow Hcks to save tons in payroll by staffing all turnstiles
and concession stands with the thousands of kids Bill and Denise Bates have
placed on this earthBut I digress.
Why should you, as citizens of Dallas, vote "NO"? Well, as my
abusive alcoholic father used to always tell me when I asked why I had to
return all my birthday presents, take the money and buy him a bottle of
Johnnie Walker Red and/or Black, "BECAUSE I SAID SO!!!"You see,Dallasites,
if you vote "YES" to have the arena built on that toxic landfill
of an ancient burial ground off Stemmons, not only will you glow in the
dark after your first event there, but you will realize that all you've
really done is helped create another dimly-lit parking lot to be beaten
within an inch of your life by some local street thugs looking for that
Timex Indiglo Santa never brought them.In closing,
I implore you, the people of Dallas, to just forget about your own needs
and desires for a moment, and think about who really matters in all this
. . . ME! Vote "NO" on Saturday, so I won't have to drive as far
to watch the Stars. It's your duty as an American. |