A couple of years ago, I could look back at my life and say, "Gee, I've done quite a bit for being as young as I am." These days, after having not really adding anything to that list of accomplishment, I can look back an say, "Gee, I'm glad I never did that."
- I've never been convicted of a serious crime. I'm sure there are at least a few who wish I had but I'm afraid I'll have to disappoint them. I have been to jail before and I think a little jail time should be part of just about everyone's life experience. Just remember to do it in moderation.
- I've never dated a Hooter's Girl. I only mention this after reading the bathroom walls at Hooter's last night. It consisted of scrawlings from men in various states of sobriety extolling the greatness of Hooter's Girls. I'm sorry. My mom doesn't make biscuits as flakey as most of the Hooter's Girls I know and that's a BIG minus these days
- I've never contemplated being a vegetarian. I've decided vegetarianism is yet another one of those nasty -isms that needs to be stomped out because it only leads to other problems. You don't see people vandalizing farms because they don't like cauliflower.
- I've never joined any kind of political group. See the Brownshirts and the Night of Long Knives and the We the People party. I rest my case.
- I've never underestimated the inherent weirdness of the universe. It never fails. The minute you think it can't get any weirder, the universe says, "Oh yeah?" How else could you explain Jerry Springer.
- I've never missed a deadline. Yeah, whatever.
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