In
the end, all we had was "I love you."
But it's just not enough.
And with those words, I ended perhaps the longest relationship I've had. To say it hurt like hell would be stupid and redundant. Of course it hurt. Goodbyes always hurt. But just like Concord (of Monty Python and the Holy Grail fame), "I'm getting better."
Breaking up wasn't something I'd do on my own. Especially since I thought I'd made quite a catch. She liked hockey (She even stomached watching me play). We spent a good amount of time together. We went to plays and performances together. We traveled great distances for each other. And for the longest time, I thought this woman was everything I could ever want or need. And she was. She was everything.
Everything except my friend.
That small fact I had overlooked on purpose. I didn't want to see that. I had been with her so long (in part to prove wrong everyone who said we wouldn't make it), that I was with her more out of habit than anything else. Staying is always easier when you train your heart to ignore all the small crimes committed against it.
It finally took someone very close being very cruel to make me see what I was doing to myself: settling for something I really
didn't want because I was either too afraid or too lazy to do anything else. Deep down, I knew they were right and finally, I pulled the trigger on a seemingly prefectly good relationship.
To tell the truth, it was euthanized.
In the here and now, I'm scared shitless, but in a roller coaster kind of way. Y'know, the way you're scared when you're not sure what's ahead but you're gonna have a helluva time finding out. It beats the hell out of being scared in a jump-off-the-roof-of-a-skyscraper kind of way -- which is where you've already made a huge mistake and you're only left to wonder how painful the end is gonna be.
Been there.
Done that.
Saw the movie.
Ate the burger.
They all suck.
So, I'm learning to be a "me" all over again instead of a "we." In reality, it's not near as bad as I thought it would be. I've almost fallen into other relationships in the meantime but so far, I've avoided them.
And why not?
It seems like I've spent the last ten years of my life falling into things. I think it's time for me to enjoy the ride.
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